Love in the time of medicine

In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven't read Love in the time of cholera (save for the cliff notes version), but for whatever reason the title popped into my head when I started writing. This weekend I had time to see many people I love. People who have made choices that have resulted in a life very different from my own. I just think it is such a wonderful, beautiful thing that we have come from nearly the same place and ended up in such different ones. That despite how different our lives may be, we have each found a version of life we love. While catching up I got to do a lot of talking about my life and what I do and what I hope to do, which, for better or worse, led to some introspection.

Sometimes my life gets pretty exhausting. And frustrating. And defeating. And it certainly takes its toll on relationships. But in the end, I love it. Well, most of it. Sometimes I will admit you can't help but wonder if its worth it. Working so many years and so many hours. Nights of not seeing my husband or of seeing him but being so tired/stressed/grouchy he probably wishes he didn't have to see me. Putting your life on hold, our life on hold. Most days I don't even think about it, caught up in the day to day, but from time to time you stop, do the math, look around, look back and look forward, and take stock of it all. It's hard to think of this as our life, in the now, and not a version of our life, waiting to start. Hard not to yearn for the day when the training is done, the debts being repaid, some semblance of control over our day to day. But I have to remind myself this is our life and although it's on a different schedule than many, it is no less fulfilling, joyful, or real. And, to be fair, no more so.

I would say I'm lucky to have found what I love to do and people who continue to love me in spite of that and all it means. But I don't know that it's luck. I think it was mostly choices. Some easy, some scary, some agonizingly difficult. But they have been mine. I didn't set out to have a career, to be successful, to make any sort of impact on the world. I just set out. And we are making a go of it, day by day. I am fortunate to live in a time where I have the chance to do what I do. I don't fancy myself a feminist, but I am grateful for those who have come before me who have made it possible for me to pursue a career and for those in my life who have supported me in doing so. My life looks very different from what I could have imagined, but that in itself is a blessing: to be able to pursue a life you never thought to imagine. I certainly don't mean to romanticize any part of my life. As I said, it is exhausting, frustrating, and not always worth the cost. But having made it where I have, having made the choices I have made, I am glad there are still so many things to love about it. Pessimism and cynicism pervade the world of medicine, and sometimes it is good to remind myself as much as anyone that there is still happiness and love amidst the mayhem of medicine.