I'm making it!

Just a quick post to say I made it to Houston and have survived the first 3 days, which included my first day, my first clinic day, my first day in the OR, and my first 24hr call. Phew not bad for barely over 48hrs! And now i am having my first post-call day. You would think having slept barely 4hrs a night for the last 3 nights (actually 4, 5, and 2hrs respectively) I would be zonked out. Apparently not so. That 0330 coffee was a bad choice as it turns out. But it tasted oh so good. And at that point i felt i might die without it. Laura can appreciate my need for such a thing. Anyway, my arrival in houston was great. So lucky to have a great friend to retrieve me and show me around the med campus and make sure i knew where i was going. invaluable. the weekend i was alone because said friend ironically went and stayed at my house in iowa for a wedding. So i did what any DINK wife would do - I went shopping. At the galleria. I spent a good couple of hours trying on over a dozen pair of jeans at nordstrom. finally got out of there (after doing some damage) and made it a few other places where i managed to spend slightly less, but enjoyed myself just as much. i also tooled around houston and only got a tiny bit lost a couple of times. i had time for a couple of runs (or jogs which is more accurate). I hung out with jeannie's cat. i slept. it was nice.

aside from the anxiety. which was probably the worst i've ever had in my whole. entire. life. never have i been so nervous to do anything ever. but having survived the first few days at least i think i'll be ok. thanks to a good support system. and the amazing people here who have been so incredibly willing to help. the hardest thing is honestly the system. learning how to do even the simplest of things. makes it hard to remember i know how to be a doctor (at least in some ways). the first day or two i felt like i didn't even know how to take care of patients. finally that feels like it is coming back and it turns out patients are patients here or there and a small bowel obstruction is the same in texas as in iowa. more or less. it feels really good to be somewhere new. honestly i wanted to do this for so many reasons, but not the least of which was to step outside my comfort zone.

i don't think i said it in my last post, but in making this huge life decision (fellowship and all it has and would entail) the hardest things were the effect i knew it would have on my life - namely my marriage, family, and the image of my future life - and the fear. There is so much fear. about all of that and about the process of getting there if you're lucky enough to have the chance. But at the end of the day the reasons not to do things like come down here or apply for fellowship boiled down to fear. And just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Even if it's really, really, really hard. And at the end of the day, I told myself if i wasn't doing it because i was afraid, that wasn't good enough.

There are a LOT of valid reasons not to do many things - medicine and fellowship in particular.  I could come up with a million reasons not to take the life path I have. But fear - of how hard it will be, of humiliation, of failure, of hard work - those aren't good enough reasons. So at least if I fail, I'll fail trying. And let me tell you. This wouldn't be a bad thing to fail at. I've come a long way and my life sure looks different than I expected. but then again - whose doesn't?? But these forks in the road are life defining. And that's a scary thing to acknowledge - those decisions in life that will forever alter your course. But it's also a good thing. Setting down this path got me a wonderful husband and many wonderful friends, and taught me a lot about myself, so we will see where the next 6 months takes us. I know we'll make it, wherever that is! ok now i think the sleep has to win because the day is getting shorter. Anyway, i just wanted to let everyone know I was doing ok. It's still early in the month, I'm sure there are harder days ahead, scarier days, many chances to fall on my face. But at the end of the month hopefully i'll still be standing. Love to all. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I'll see you on the other side - if i make it through!